March 2024 Scary Mommy Article

“Lost your cool with your teen? Experts recommend these 10 phrases to repair“

Featuring Joyful Journeys Counseling Founder

Parenting a teen is no joke.

Adolescent transition can be a rocky experience for multiple members of the family. Suddenly, you are responsible for an opinionated individual asserting newfound autonomy. While your son has a lot of learning to do, he might often insist on learning through direct experience (AKA resistance to shared wisdom). While he continues to rely on the many things you provide, like transportation and food, he wants freedom to navigate.

Conflict happens.

Topics that teens and parents often experience conflict over include:

• Responsibility & Chores
• Misunderstandings/Miscommunication
• Time Management
• Family Expectations
• Communication (respect, manners, tone)
• Appearance & Style
• Priorities & Goals
• Education

What do you do when someone says a word out of impatience, hunger, or misplaced sadness? The issue is not in having disagreements. Reconciling is the focus. How do parents and teens recover when miscommunication breaks connection?

Conflict happens.

One parenting expert explains, “‘[r]egular life creates separations and sometimes misunderstandings or miscommunications…How do we reconnect after a painful exchange or experience?'”

Mayer, B (2024, March 13).

Here are four steps to help mediate repair after a breach in your relationship with your teen due to a conflict. These steps are taken from Apples of Gold (Lytle, 2023, December 31).

1. Say What You See
   1. Make observations without judgment.
   2. “I hear you stomping.” or “I see water on the floor and counter.”
2. State the Obvious
   1. Statement of fact
   2. Own the problem using I statements.
   3. “I felt ignored.”
3. Schedule Time
   1. Acknowledge other’s needs
   2. Own your stuff
   3. “You want to talk about . . . Give me 10 minutes to finish this, and I will come to the living room. Does that work?”
4. Ask For & Give Forgiveness
   1. Speak to the individual directly who was hurt. 
   2. Expressly admit your wrongdoing.
   3. Ask for forgiveness.
   4. Allow for space and time if the person is not able or ready to respond or reconcile.

Remember, conflict happens. Repair and reconnection are possible with ownership over your part and a genuine desire to understand how you affected your teen.

Sources:

Mayer, B. (2024, March 13). Lost your cool with your teen? Experts recommend these 10 phrases to repair. Scary Mommy. https://www.scarymommy.com/parenting/phrases-to-repair-conflict-teen

Lytle, J. (2023, December 31). Apples of gold: An ageless interpersonal communication plan. https://joyfuljourneyscounseling.com/2021/12/26/apples-of-gold/