An Ageless Interpersonal Communication Plan

Feel free to download this visual guide for more healthy, positive conversations. The steps are explained more fully below and are designed to be win-win for both parties.

Say what you see

This observation technique is a Montessori-style teaching method. Observation instead of judgment conveys, I see you; I understand you; You’re important; What you do matters to me.

“I see you throwing the phone into the chair.”

“I hear how loudly you are talking.”

State the obvious

This basic form of honesty (with self and others) aids in connecting the body and soul which brings one into the present as opposed to depression/anxiety which take one either into the past or projected future.

“I feel angry.”

“I was sad when I called you and there was no reply.”

Decide on a time

Agreeing on and planning for a time to discuss hot topics gives each party a sense of respect and compromise. Win-win!

“Right now, my hands have dish soap on them. In five minutes I can talk about this. Will you be in the living room?”

“I feel upset right now and need to calm down. I’ll be outside for fifteen minutes and then I need to eat. Can we talk before we leave the dinner table?”

Apologize & Forgive

I didn’t realize how powerful this simple step was until I worked at an elementary school. As the school counselor, my students ranged from PK-6th grade. Often, my time was divided and I had to quickly find a way to make things better for some of my older students. I encouraged “problem” students to apologize for specific behaviors that had created trouble for them. As a licensed counselor, I understand the intricacies and complexities of ongoing issues (like yelling out to address an insult), but I had to find a method for students to navigate their world. Ownership of actions worked well for students and teachers alike. It’s a tried and true form of relational recovery.

“Jeff, I’m sorry I threw the phone.”

“Sara, I’m sorry I didn’t reply when you called for me.”

Though this plan is not based off Scripture, the title is from one of my favorite scriptures about our words. The Bible describes well chosen words as apples of gold in settings of silver (please see Proverbs 25:11). 

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