Jennifer LytleQuiet Time Was Once A Standard
I recall nap time as an early elementary student. I recall the cold cement like floor and not much else from this period. My husband has shared his memory of taking a bobby pin to class for his mat time. He had been placed near an outlet and it was the perfect place to insert his mother’s bobby pin. Successfully, he accomplished his desire and has a small scar he shows to our children as he reflects on his lesson.
"Never stick anything into an outlet," he admonishes our kiddos who hold back chuckles while they imagine their greying-haired father as a curious child.
What is downtime and why is it important?
Generally, children do not regularly have downtime in the modern era. Astute parents set downtime, quiet time, alone time as a priority for every family member. But, what is downtime and why is it important?
Downtime is distraction-free time in a quiet environment without any agenda other than taking a break. Distraction-free indicates an absence of visual stimulation from moving reproduced, recorded, or created visuals like television or other electronics (personal tablet, hand held devices, computers).
What’s Crying Got To Do With It?
Don’t cry!
Parents may be tempted to soothe and assuage tears or tantrums. Everything from musical toys to screens in cars and even handheld adult devices have been introduced to the modern child for distraction and diversion. Avoid the temptation to stall or stop your child from negative behaviors (assuming their physical safety) like pouting, fussing, or protesting with tears, wails, or shouts. While these behaviors can create discomfort or even frustration, it is okay for you and your child to feel temporary discomfort. Normal life generally includes some level of discomfort, confusion, and even conflict. Help your child embrace life’s expected difficulties by allowing them to grapple with current, developmentally appropriate discomforts.
Do you want a popsicle? Dry your eyes.
Discomfort, confusion, and conflict? Why would a parent allow their child/ren to experience any level of this if one can minimize pain? Reasonable happiness is what one can hope for in life, but permanent happiness is an illusion. Promoting an unattainable expectation for your children can be detrimental to maturation. Neufield & Mate (2006) and Green (2019) refers to the current culture as displaying an epidemic of immaturity.
“If I don’t give my child a treat or a screen, what do I do when they’re unhappy?”
When your child is unhappy, practice being present with him or her. Allow them to have their emotions. Soothe them with your presence, with holding (if they will allow you to), with gentle touch or massage, and with your own breathing exercises. If these actions are difficult for you or you are working hard to regulate your own emotions, simply sit with the child. Do nothing more than sit.
Parent Devices & Perceived Distraction
Deneault et al. (2024) caution against parent distraction, through use of digital devices, as children can internalize and personalize this as disconnection. Are you modeling unregulated use of technology? Behavior is a teacher better understood or remembered than words or rules. When we demonstrate good relationships with our use and habits of technology, we provide a foundation of strength for our kids to maintain healthy habits in their use.
Family Time
Connection is key! Connection is key! Connection is key! Connect by talking. Connect by walking. Connect by cooking. Connect in the car. Connect before bedtime. Connect at mealtime. Connect with your kids. Connect with your teens. Connect with your coparent. Families can engage in distraction-free connection with a few simple, widely accessible activities. Want some ideas? Austin based family counselor, Jennifer Lytle, suggests the following bridging ideas. Or, consider an article on maximizing rest in Austin Fit Magazine (Lytle, 2024).
Family Story Hour
Read alouds are one of the most powerful ways to promote academic success for your children (Mackenzie, 2024). Consider this list by Carol Joy Seid or Andrew Pudewa’s recommendations. For exceedingly busy families, try one night a week, even with a meal for a dedicated reading time. Audio books count too! This is the best, almost free gift you could give yourself and your children.
Memory Game Spin Off
Get a stack index cards so that each member in your family can have about 5 pairs of cards. Consider using less if your children are very young. Allow everyone to write, draw, or color their pairs of index cards. Consider a timer if there are members of the family who will benefit from a set time with the creative design. Once everyone is finished with their pairs, set the cards out in rows and columns for a game of match. Give out hand made signs or awards for “Most Creative” designer and for the “Best Memory” as winners to the game.
Homemade Pictionary
Hand everyone small slips of paper and pens. Tell them to write down three objects, three places, three people, and two simple actions. Pile the slips of paper in a stack and play by using a timer and a pad of paper. Consider the best scoring method for your family. One option may be to have one drawer and everyone guesses. The drawer and correct guesser each get a point. First one to five points wins the game!
Charades
Hand everyone slips of paper and pens. The slips of paper should be similar or identical to avoid identification of who has written on each. Have each family member write down three actions, three people, three animals, and two objects. Stack the slips of paper for use. Explain scoring and use a timer for each “actor.” One option for scoring could be that the actor and guesser each get a point, but you may wish to have teams that get a point for correct guesses. First to five points wins!
Family Walk
Get outside. Wear protective gear like hats or sunblock, if appropriate. Take popsicles or other cold treats along for the walk and see what treasures are found along the way. Visit a neighbor to say a simple hello to demonstrate neighborliness and expand your social connections.
Baking Treats
Enjoy a baked good or dessert after sharing the process with one or more of your kiddos. Have each kid bake a different item and do a “taste test” after dinner. Give out hand drawn awards for “Best Taste” or “Try Again” for fun. Ask for unique names for each treat as another way to increase fun and envelope engagement with your child.
Family Photo Review
Sit around the table or cuddle up on the couch with a family photo album. Go through the pictures ooing and awwing over how different everyone used to look. Tell a few stories about what it was like when each member of the family was younger.
What’s Rest Got To Do With It?
Pediatricians recommend teens get between 8 to 10 hours of sleep while middle aged (6 – 12) children are recommended to get between 9 to 12 hours of sleep (Paruthi et al., 2016). Are your children getting enough hours of legitimate sleep? Sleep experts suggest wind down routines complete with no device use at least one hour prior to bedtime. Device access and exposure prior to sleep can disrupt, limit, and complicate quality sleep hours (Nagata et al., 2023).
Rest Separate from Sleep
Still, there is a difference between sleep and rest. Rest is foundational to a healthy brain. Jabr (2013) informs readers that the human brain requires 20% of the body’s energy. When the brain has enough rest, the capacity for creative thought is increased. So what can you do? Steps to minimize the negative effects of device use include the following.
- Have a designated bedtime for all electronic devices
- Maintain the bedtime for all family members
- Have a designated “sleep” area where all electronic devices “spend the night”
- Maintain the designated area for all family members
- Obtain and display analog clocks in bedrooms
- Obtain and display plug-in alarm clocks in bedrooms
- Teach children and teen how to read clocks
- Obtain and use wristwatches for all family members
- Teach children the power of managing their time and expect them to keep time
- “You can play outside for 30 minutes. When the minute hand, here, gets to this place, it’s __:___ time and you are to come inside and check in.”
- “You can visit the neighbor for 1 hour. When this hand gets here, it’s __:___ time and I want you to come home and check in.”
- “When the clock shows, __:___, it’s time to finish your snack and clean the table to begin your chores.”
- “At __:___, it’s time to go brush your teeth and get ready for bed.”
- “When the clock shows, __:___, it’s time to check that your backpack is ready for the next day and you have clean clothes for school.”
Support for Parents Averse to Tears
Joyful Journeys Counseling offers parent support including parent-child relationship education and co-parent workshops in Austin and the surrounding Central Texas area. Professional parenthood coaching for conscientous moms and dads to show up as superhereos with supermuscles of modeling, connecting, and occassionally, correcting.
Whether your child lives with you or you wish to build a relationship with your adult child, parent support is a specialized skill of the clinicians and counselors at Joyful Journeys Counseling. Reach out today for a free consultation to determine if JJC is a fit for your needs.
Support for Tearful, Anxious Teens (12-18) & Children Aged 4-11
Teens require a special approach in counseling and most do not come ready to confront hard conversations directly. It takes tact and a strong therapeutic rapport to provide the tools and training teens can use to regulate big emotions. Skilled clinicians at Joyful Journeys Counseling offer teen support with fun, engaging techniques and methodologies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). Just ask about the big brain hats we use!
In working with children, our Austin-based therapists utilize an expressive continuum of art-based, play-based, and sandtray therapy in combination with evidence based methods like CBT, ACT, gratitude, and forgiveness. Children aged four to eleven find ways to connect in counseling and benefit from the therapeutic support that can either loop parents in or allow parents to give space for their child to get individual support.
About the Author
Jennifer Lytle is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She opened Joyful Journeys Counseling in the summer of 2019 to provide accessible, quality mental health care in Central Texas. As a former school counselor, Jennifer enjoys supporting children and adolescents with anxiety. She is especially passionate about parent education to support children with anxiety and provides parent coaching, family therapy, and treatment for anxiety and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).
Sources:
Deneault A., Plamondon A., Neville R. D., Eirich, R., McArthur, B. A., Tought, S., & Madigan, S. (2024). Perceived parental distraction by technology and mental health among emerging adolescents. JAMA Netw Open, 7(8). doi:10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2024.28261
Greene, J. (2019). Great parenting simplified: Parent coach in training [This was a year and a half long training for a parent coach to develop and support parents in a group setting]. Inner Circle 8, Canada.
Jabr, F. (2013, October 15). Why your brain needs more downtime. SciAm. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/mental-downtime/
Lytle, J. (2024, August 1). Summer parenting hacks: Keep your kids’ schedule cool when it heats up outside. Austin Fit Magazine. https://www.austinfitmagazine.com/August-2024/summer-parenting-hacks/
Mackenzie, S. (Executive Producer). (2024). RAR #250: Relaxed, bookish, and ordinary [Audio podcast]. Read-Aloud Revival. https://readaloudrevival.com/relaxed-bookish-ordinary/
Nagata, J. M., Singh, G., Yang, J. H., Smith, N., Kiss, O., Ganson, K. T., Testa, A., Jackson, D. B., & Baker, F. C. (2023). Bedtime screen use behaviors and sleep outcomes: Findings from the adolescent brain cognitive development (ABCD) study. Sleep Health, 9(4), 497–502. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.sleh.2023.02.005
Neufeld, G., & Mate, G. (2006). Hold on to your kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers. Ballantine Books.
Paruthi, S. , Brooks, L. J., D’Ambrosio, C.,Hall, W. A., Kotagal, S., Lloyd, R. M., Malow, B. A., Maski, K., Nichols, C., Quan, S. F., Rosen, C. L., Troester, M. M., Wise, M.S. (2016). Recommended Amount of Sleep for Pediatric Populations: A Consensus Statement of the American Academy of Sleep Medicine. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 12(6), 785-786. https://aasm.org/resources/pdf/pediatricsleepdurationconsensus.pdf
