Jennifer LytleHave you ever grinned at someone who said something that outwardly appeared polite or generous? For many sensitive, empathetic, and intuitive souls, these sayings often come across as void. Have you ever thrown something like this out in a desperate plea to feel good without actually doing anything?
- Let me know if you need anything
- I’d love to hang out
- Happy birthday
- We should get together sometime
- I’m here for you
- We’ll be praying for you
Probably these friendly sayings are very well-intended. There is a saying about good intentions.
Recently, I was privileged to sit in on a training at a military base. The room was adorned with signs, documents, achievements, and inspiring images. One sign over a doorpost caught my attention. The sign read, Acta non verba. A rough translation of the latin says, actions not words. To act well is better than to say well. While words can feel good, words initiate, not culminate, good relationships. Have you heard, “I’m from the show me state?”
Educators understand telling someone a thing is the lowest form of “education” one can offer. This sign post reminded me of the importance of action over words. Benjamin Franklin is rumored to have stated the following.
Tell me and I forget,
teach me and I remember,
involve me and I learn.
Impett et al. (2024) caution against the (non) efficacy of “love languages” in popular psychology. Still, most people recognize that words of affirmation, non-sexual physical touch, acts of service, gifts, and quality time register as expressions of affection (Chapman, 2024). Imagine how appreciation, admiration, and affection would be received in the following scenarios.
A mother regularly doted verbal affection on her children while refusing to care for their physical needs. The children would ask for bread and get a great big hug with an empathetic smile and sing-songy reply about how cute they looked snuggled in their beds. An employee asks for a raise to match the typical compensation for their role. Instead, their boss offers a certificate of appreciate and employee of the month announcement. Your waitress gushes about how glad she is to have you in the restaurant. She forgets to serve your beverages and brings your food out when it is cold.
Words, of any nature, without accompanied demonstration is perhaps what Jesus referred to when paralleling a white washed tomb? Ornate on the outside yet inside hollow and void. Love without actions is useless. Love languages devoid of demonstration would be like God’s love for humankind without Jesus on the cross. In fact, love is not a feeling, emotion, or non-tangible in any capacity.
God’s love for humankind would be irrelevant without Jesus on the cross
Love is action. Demonstrate solidarity, confidence, or companionship, with words and accompanied by action. Here is a starting point for prioritizing meaningful action over empty words.
Friends, extended family, or neighbors in need may appreciate the following.
- Drop groceries off (on the porch) for family or friends who are dealing with health or financial issues
- Have flowers delivered
- Call and ask, “I’m at the grocery store. What can I grab for you?”
- Make a meal and drop it off
- Invite children over when a parent/parents are dealing with any issue that might be stressful
- CashApp, Venmo, or PayPal funds to friends/family when they are dealing with stressful health, job, or relationship issues
- Call to say, “Hi! I was thinking of you.” and be available in case they wish to talk
Consider the following ideas to inspire demonstrated affection for your spouse.
- Plan dinner and communicate your plan
- “I’m getting some things from the store. What do you need me to pick up?”
- Ask your spouse for a breakfast, lunch, or dinner date and plan for the kids to be cared for
- Offer a back rub or car wash according to your spouse’s preference
- Refuse any offer to reciprocate
To do well is better than to say well. So, how can you acta non verba? Saying well is not the same as doing well.
Below are a few ideas to demonstrate attentive care for your child.
- Complete a job they are usually responsible for
- Take out the trash
- Make their bed with fresh sheets
- Load the dishwasher
- Surprise them with an after school stop at a park (or shop) with a treat
- Invite a friend over for them to have free time together
- Make their favorite meal
- Brag about their accomplishment and let them overhear you
- Ask for their input on an upcoming family plan and work to implement their ideas
It’s possible to show others that your thoughts and intentions are positive toward them. Good words alone are insufficient in all relationships. Take the time to make meaningful connections through your actions. Share how you engage with your family below. We want to hear if you tried one of these suggestions!
Sources
Chapman, G. (2024). The 5 love languages: The secret to love that lasts. Northfield Publishing.
Impett, E. A., Park, H. G., & Muise, A. (2024). Popular Psychology Through a Scientific Lens: Evaluating Love Languages From a Relationship Science Perspective. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 33(2), 87-92. https://doi.org/10.1177/09637214231217663
