Jennifer LytlePro Tip: Zip down to get right to the 12 effective ways to connect with your kids.
What Matters Most
Prioritize and preserve the relationship with your child. The duty of a parent is to preserve the child’s sense of self (through healthy relationships with people within an immediate family, closely connected community, and the community at large). Furthermore, protecting childhood development with a minimum of interruptions is part of this preservation. Your child cannot be the center of your world, but preserving their childhood is a privledge and duty that must not be forsaken by convenience, popular opinion, or misplaced priorities such as people pleasing.
No is An Answer & You Can Say It Without Breaking Connection with Your Child
We’ve all had that moment when our son innocently asks if they can sleep over at so and so’s home. It’s not that you’re entirely against sleepovers, but for any number of reasons, this time it’s simply a no. Maybe you have a strained relationship with extended family and still want to maintain some semblance of normal childhood memories of time spent with cousins and grandparents. [insert eye roll emoji]
Navigate the Middle Ground
Instead of oversharing details, these simple and respectful answers might help you both navigate developmentally overwhelming information. It is better to say less than overshare information that could harm the child’s self-image or damage their relationship with those in their world. A healthy child has no reason to distrust those in his environment. Disparaging people in the child’s world – particularly due to the fact that children are unable to navigate environments at their discretion – can border on abusive and certainly unhelpful, unwise, and unhealthy.
- “I’d like to answer that, but I need time more time to think about it.”
- “That’s an interesting perspective. I’m not sure I agree, but tell me more about how you see it.”
- “Thank you for talking to me about this. Is there anything you need from me right now?”
Your son needs the experience of identifying, processing, and verbalizing emotions to navigate difficult relationships. He needs practice communicating his needs, asking for what he wants, offering negotiated win-wins. He needs practice not getting his way and even losing. Empower him with space to vent or process the issues without swooping in to resolve matters.
Your child needs practice “losing” disagreements.
- “Let me know if you want my help with it.”
When Your Child is Uncomfortable or Unable to Open Up About Their Private Thoughts
Some children are uncomfortable sharing their inner thoughts. It may be a relational issue (perceived criticism or judgment) or an experience issue. It may be a cognitive issue. It requires cognitive abilities to cohesively and coherently state an argument, disagree respectfully, persist in one’s position or conceded on agreed points.
This is where JJC’s Apples of Gold Communication Plan really comes in. Use your power of non-judgmental observation. Ask the child for clarification (if you’re correct) in your assessment.
- “I see your eyebrows are furrowed. Do you feel angry?”
- “I heard you shut the door loudly. Are you upset?”
Training Wheels of Communication
I worked with one family who had a teen that was particularly difficult to communicate with. The teen was verbally closed off and relationally distant with both parents. For this family, I suggested one of the parents normalize potential feelings and verbally process the situation from what they perceived to be the teens perspective. This practice was like putting training wheels on the bicycle of communication in upsetting circumstances.
- “When we talked about this before, there are some things I didn’t share. Part of my job is to protect you from things that aren’t yet your responsibility. Can you trust me when I say no this time?”
- “I promise I have your best interest at heart, but I’m here to listen if you want to talk about how this makes you feel.”
- “It’s my responsibility to deal with that. I want you to focus on being a kid. (Change topic in silly voice.) And, by the way, have you picked up the clothes from your floor?”
- “Those are adult conversations. I am sorry they involved you.”
The Neighbor Who Permitted the Unpermitted
Stephanie and her middle school sons enjoyed connecting with the neighbor family consisting of a tween daughter and older son. She had invited them over to swim and have lunch. During their visit, the neighbor teens used vulgar language in front of her youngest son and pushed to be able to play the family Xbox. Stephanie had wanted the kids to connect with real face time, not necessarily electronics. Her hold out worked until Neighbor Mom came at the tail end of the visit and gave the teens permission to play. Stephanie was flustered and hadn’t expected it. How can she assert her boundary and stay connected with the children?
- “Oh, I already said we weren’t playing electronic devices today.”
- “If it works for everyone, next time, the kids can have an hour of electronics.”
- “Today was about playing outdoors.”
- “I’d love to host game time another day.”
- “We have plans and need to clean up.”
Connecting with your children while avoiding developmentally inappropriate topics is totally doable. Try one of these suggestions and let us know how it works for your family.
If you or a member of your family need support with communication, conflict resolution, or emotional regulation, support from a licensed therapist can help. Reach out today for a free twenty-minutes consultation for support connecting with your child.
